1.23.2018

1:38 PM

Today marks day two of adventure week. Yesterday I drove up to Deep Ellum, today I drove to Uptown. I’m exploring places in the city I grew up in- learning to appreciate what is around me.

Monday January 22, 2018 Adventure 1: BuzzBrews in Deep Ellum, Dallas, Texas

Tuesday January 23, 2018 Adventure 2: Sip&Stir in Uptown, Dallas, Texas

Life isn’t always fun or exciting, and even when it is, you have to put effort in to make it happen. I have been alive and breathing, but I haven’t been actively alive. I need to put effort into my life. I need things to happen- I can’t be on the sidelines of my own story anymore.

That is a big thing for me….being the star of my own life…being as empathetic as I am and having the mental illnesses I do kind of challenges that notion. It makes me think I need to please everyone. It makes me think I am not enough and everyone else deserves everything and I don’t. It is the mentality I have, and it sucks, but I’m working on it. Self love is extremely hard for me. I never thought I was worthy.

Are you reading the words I’m writing? Do you understand?

No one should ever feel the way I feel, and I’d be willing to feel this way for the rest of my long life if it means no one else does. The depression, the anxiety, the OCD, it all made me so sympathetic to other’s pain, and I never want anyone to hurt the way I hurt. I guess that is the curse of an empath- to hurt so other’s can be free.

So to help my chronic pain, I decided to try and make myself happy. I haven’t been happy with myself in so long I’m not really sure how to get back there, but the adventures are a way to help. I do love adventures. I love the fresh air, the memories, the photographs, the souvenirs, the stories…I love the life. That was something people didn’t understand about me. I’m suicidal. I’ll be the first to admit it. I have, on numerous occasions, concluded the best solution to a problem I was having was to end my life. I have to say, it sounds pretty damn peaceful most of the time, but I love life. I am fascinated by the colors, the light, the smells, the breeze…no matter how deep I fell into the rabbit hole, I will never be able to end my own life. Life is too beautiful to willingly depart from.

I really like cities for that reason- the amount of life in them. My adventures so far have been to the city; they’ve been to bars and coffee shops filled with people my age-

That’s crazy.

I never go anywhere with people just my age.

I miss people my age.

I miss people who understand what I’m struggling with because they too are struggling.

I miss people who all uniquely fit in with one another, and I miss fitting in as well.

Cities are great for life. There’s a vibrancy to them, like stars in space. They burn bright and fast when they are young, then are strong and steady for the adult stage of life, and then slowly wither away from a glimmer to a sparkle to nothing. People say they like the country because it is calm, but I really truly enjoy the fast paced life of the city currently.

When I finally get to fly the coup this year, I am trying to move to a city, a place where the world is always awake, a place where the lights twinkle and where dreams come true. I need a change of scenery- not that white suburbia Texas isn’t fun…. Hopefully, I’ll be making the big move to Atlanta soon (at least, that is the current plan). I’d be transferring Starbucks and starting an adult life living with my best friend and her puppy. Doesn’t that sound great? I think so. So yeah, that’s the goal I’m working towards right now.

Today was a rant, but it was good progress because I spoke my mind. Thank you for following me on this adventure. I promise eventually this will be filled with recipes and photographs and poetry and stories. Soon this website will be dope I swear.

 

 

questions

i did it. i gave in. again. i do it every time.

why can’t i stop? why can’t i help myself? why can’t i be free?

how do i escape? how do i see the light? how can i make it through?

i did it. i gave in. again. i do it every damn time.

hibernation

 

1.20.2018

11:10 AM

the world sleeps where i live.

i gazed at her, sleeping sound,

curious if she dreams.

the world sleeps where i live.

no one comes to greet the night,

ignoring her instead.

the world sleeps where i live.

the stillness is too daunting,

the silence gives no peace.

the world sleeps where i live.

i want a world that’s awake,

one filled with life and colors.

the world sleeps where i live.

i’m consumed by the darkness

as i wish for morning.

“wake up world,” i cry,

“live with me.”

1.20.2018

8:08 AM

So i finally set up a Facebook page and Instagram for this site. Check it out. If you want. No pressure.

Anyways…

I haven’t written in a good while. I haven’t had the inspiration, the drive I need to be able to write. I wanted to write today, so let’s see where this goes. I started school since we last spoke. I’m taking classes with Arizona State University online (Starbucks has a reimbursement plan which is super nice and wonderful of them to offer to their partners). ASU divides a semester’s worth of classes into two sessions, so even though I’m a full time student, I don’t take anymore than three classes at a time. It is pretty nice.

I also decided to have a collection of poetry posted on here. I love to write little stories and poems, and I want to share them with y’all! I’m trying to post pretty regularly- at least one poem and post a week. I’m really hoping this will help me love reading again. I’ve always loved getting lost in books, but when my depression is really bad, it is hard to concentrate on books, so I haven’t read a complete book in probably 18 months.

Depression does that. It sucks the joy out of everything. There’s no escape from it. It is just you. Depression is the illness I battle everyday. My diseased mind is tired, it wants to rest for a moment. I find no joy in anything I used to love. Everything is a chore. I just want to feel something other than empty, so I have to keep fighting, I have to keep the darkness at bay. I have to put on a smile when I want to cry. I have to fake it to make it.

I’m about to go to work, so I’ll talk to you later.

xoxo reggie

1.3.2018

10:02 AM

today called for a change in scenery. i ventured from our little bubble in the middle of the dfw metroplex to the city of dallas at ascension coffee. i have to admit, i’ve been a starbucks snob because they pay for education and give me great benefits and fair pay, but this place is more my speed.

also, new update on me…i have to go gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, stop eating pork and stop using canola oil. i have a thyroid condition called hashimoto’s, and it is supposed to help with my symptoms and overall health. and if you know me, i’m pretty darn picky, so this will be an adventure for me.

okay okay, so into what i want to talk about today. i want to actually blog today, to have a voice today. so, i’m going to text my best babe and she is going to give me a topic to go on a rambling tangent about- and i’m quite excited.

today’s topic is

drumroll please

COFFEE

okay. easy enough.

I don’t know a lot about coffee, but i know more than your average joe about a good cup of joe. but truth be told, i am actually not a huge fan of the buzz bean everyone loves. i’m a “coffee with my sugar” kind of gal. i have nothing against it, i just don’t like the taste. that’s all.

coffee is interesting though because it does actually possess a ton of health benefits. it can lower the chances of type 2 diabetes, parkinson’s disease, liver disease, heart disease, it helps with your metabolism, it has virtually zero calories if drunken black, it has antibodies, and the list goes on.

i wish i like coffee, i really do. i have an obsession with soda though- particularly coca-cola. i’m convinced they still conceal cocaine in there. i cannot go a day without it, its quite ridiculous, because i honestly don’t even like the taste 7 out of 10 times. some how though, that damn coke always makes it’s way into my hand.

that’s one industry that needs to take a step back, or a step towards changing their sales approach. i mean increased soda consumption has lead to childhood obesity, high blood sugar, it’s acidic properties destroy your stomach lining and teeth, and oh my gosh it is just the worst. and i can’t freaking get enough of it. that’s the worst feeling- consciously making the decision that you know was the wrong one.

WOAH

that got dark really fast, and you know what, i’m not in the mood to be in a dark place, so we are just gonna move on.

so yeah coffee.

espresso yourself and i love you a latte.

LOL COME ON GUYS LAUGH IT OFF WITH ME.

anyways, another thing i do really enjoy about most coffee shops is the bakery aspect of it. i love to bake. i rarely eat what i bake/ make it for me to eat, but i love baking cookies and cakes and brownies and anything and everything sweet. that is what i wanna do when i’m an old lady with lots of grandkids- just have a little bakery and tea shop.

baking has just always been something i did to de-stress and it always made my dad so happy to eat whatever i made him and i loved that. i truly love making people happy. that is what i want to do with my life, just make the world smile a little bigger. but um yeah that is why baking is so great, it is step-by-step and people love homemade gifts and food. if you ever get the chance to meet me, you know if someone besides my family and close friends reads this, ask me to bake you something and give me free-reign, you’ll be impressed i promise.

there we go. i just needed to ramble enough to figure out something to really rant on. i really want to talk about confidence today.

i have zero confidence in many aspects of life. i have never thought i was pretty, i never thought i was any one’s first choice, i thought i was second-rate in every way possible basically. there were two things about myself i was very confident in though- baking and the softness of my hair. weird right? but i do have crazy soft hair because i take OCD-level care of it. it always is soft, and it smells good, and its pretty, and i never blow-dry it or straighten it or damage it…my hair is the bomb. anyways though, i never had any confidence in myself no matter how much i was reassured.

then it occurred to me (occurred to me recently, like i didn’t realize this as a child), it occurred to me that no one is confident in everything they do. i didn’t see it as a child because i was so so self-conscious. i couldn’t believe that people just didn’t care what other’s thought of them. how? how could you not care? i didn’t understand because i always care. i wanted to be liked by everyone. i was never enough for everyone though, and i should have realized i was enough for me. that is what should have mattered.

confidence is a fickle thing. if you have too much you become cocky, self-absorbed. if you have too little you become invisible, a void. that is something i need to work on, knowing that i belong on this earth and knowing i’m fine just the way i am. i need to love myself before i can let others love me, and i’ve always just tried to have enough people love me that i wouldn’t notice that i didn’t love myself, but that isn’t how this works. it is going to be a learning process but it is something i have to do for myself. how can i expect to survive if i don’t like myself? that is just silly.

so i’ll start slow. i still have self-image issues to work on, but i think i’m like one of the nicest, most self-aware people out there. i try exceptionally hard to make everyone happy and i’m extremely empathetic, so i’ll keep trying until i know someone feels better. that’s a good quality of mine. i think i’m pretty funny too- apparently that is up for debate though…

no it’s not. i’m fucking hysterical.

i’m not perfect, but i don’t need to be. as long as i can live with me, as long as i accept the person i am, that should be enough.

1.2.2018

10:10 AM

the idea of a blog is to just comment on your day basically? just add commentary to every day life? that’s the idea i had at least. nothing in my life feels significant enough to document. nothing is worth remembering. and please understand, that’s not the depressed me talking. that’s just me. if something didn’t happen, if you skipped this day and it made no impact on your life, a day was basically wasted.

i got the idea from my sister who once said that she was having a bad day because she wasn’t doing anything. to her, sitting around was a waste of time- a waste of the day. at first when i heard this, i didn’t agree. there were plenty of days that were significant, that i didn’t do anything. and the more and more i thought about it, those “significant days” were the days i sobbed and wanted to die, and didn’t get out of bed. those days were the fucking worst. and yes, i do understand the need for alone time, but you also have a got a few days you can afford to waste. when those wasted days start adding up, they affect friendships, jobs, family, health…they affect life. and that’s scary. it’s scary when those “significant days” take over your life. and it is so hard to break free.

this blog i’m writing, it was supposed to help me out of that hell, but i have spent so many years basically convincing myself my life was hardly worth living, so why would i document anything about that? then it finally occurred to me that y’all aren’t in this abyss like i am, y’all don’t have the complete picture the pain i feel, the numbness i endure, the mask i put on every morning. that’s not me saying depression and anxiety and other mental disorders aren’t being recognized more, but i think for people to understand the gravity, they need to know:

  1. How many people have some form of a mental disorder.
  2. The reality of living with a mental disorder.

i wish it wasn’t such a prominent part of my life, but i have to fight every morning to realize i need to get out of bed, and then i have to rationalize that i need to go to work, and so on. but, the idea of this blog is i could be uncensored. i could writing exactly what came in my mind, and y’all can find it as funny as me hopefully.

ANYWAYS

the point of all of that was so that when i actually get into writing my thoughts, there is an understanding. i don’t want to have to constantly justify my actions, my thoughts, my self. this is what i am. this is what this illness has made me, okay?

and on a less serious note, these posts probs won’t be funny or good for a bit while i try to figure out how to share these stories, so sorry? idk broski, just enjoy the ride right?

10:40 AM

so i was thinking about this, and it occurred to me that y’all might need a “character sheet” and im hella stoked to make it. i looooove crafting. its so calming for me. it is something that brings me back to the person i miss being, which is a rare treat. but the point of moving on is moving on so no more reminiscing on that memory. we are here to make new ones. im not using anyone’s real names, okay? everyone deserves privacy. and i’m just putting that out there now. i don’t know how invested anyone else is in this blog, but no one is getting thrown under any buses on this blog. but yeah  i can make a little legend of characters for the story of this crazy life.

okay so that’s what i’m going to do now, i’ll check in later.

11:50 AM

i like to take myself to lunch a lot. i gotta stop doing that. it’s such a waste of money and i have food at home and it’s a bad habit. let’s just leave it at that. however, today i decided will be the end of that chapter of my life. it was filled with debt and sorrow and everything bad and terrible. so right now i’m sitting in my favorite bargain sushi place to wrap up the worst chapter of my life.

i’ve been thinking about that a lot. how i initially thought 2017 was my year, but it was shit. it was absolute garbage and i hated it. but i got through it. i made it to the other side. and i don’t know if that’s a depression battle that i’ll have to do every year, and come out every year a little better combated for the next fight or however it works, but i’m so dang glad it’s over for now. i’m exhausted.

food doesn’t fill that void in life. i just wanna put that out there. i’ve gained enough weight to confidently say that eating your feelings is a terrible decision. i think that’s what i tried to do when i took myself out. i think i tried to tell myself i was confident enough to eat alone and take myself out for a good time, but really i was just eating everything that sounded like it could make me happy for 5 minutes.

1•1•2018

6:30 PM

what even is a blog?

“a regularly updated website or web page, typically one run by an individual or small group, that is written in an informal or conversational style.”

oh. okay. let us start from there.

7:35 PM

i was hoping this would come more naturally to me, but writer’s block seems to have struck again.