2.6.2018

Do you ever listen to music while zoning out and get insanely touched by the songs?

That happens to me all the time, I’m not sure if it is normal or not, but music really affects me, down to the core, if I’m really listening to it. The lyrics will resonate with me, make me think of what could have been the context of this song, how it felt to sing those words, the rhythm, the brightness, the emotion… I feel all of it.

I wish real life had a sound track.

WAIT HOLD UP

NOT A MUSICAL

JUST A SOUNDTRACK

K COOL YALL

JUST CHECKING

I wish real life had a musical ubiquity. I wish my emotions could be portrayed through music, as much as they are through words and expressions. I think the words will mean more when they are reiterated in song.

So, if you couldn’t tell, I was listening to a song that really got me thinking about life, and I cried listening to it, thinking what could have been.

That is the curse of life isn’t it? Knowing what could have been, but never being sure enough to make the decision, never knowing if the gamble will pay off. Is that cowardliness? Should I take the risk more often? It is hard to make that choice and hope it pays off when you don’t have anything to fall back on, but I suppose that is why they call it a risk.

I took a risk when I switched my major from mechanical engineering to English literature, but I can’t think of another big risk…do I play it too safe? I’ve been living with diagnosed depression and anxiety since I was 16. I kept living for my parents, for my sisters, for my friends, for my family- I live for the hope that they are right, that it will get better; yet, I do nothing to improve my life. Well, I haven’t until recently.

The decisions I made weren’t for me, they were for my mom. The first decision I feel I made on my own was switching my major. I have always been an independent gal, but I’ve never lived for myself, I’ve never wanted anything for myself.

I want simple things. I want to be stress-free. I want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to enjoy what I’ve built for myself.

The problem is there’s no directions on how to get what you want in life. There’s no map, no key, no password, and no guarantee, yet people risk it every day. I used to think those people were crazy, why not just play it safe? But they are right, what kind of life is that? YOLO right?

So, take a chance. Kiss the girl. Buy the ticket. Tell him you love him. Ask for that promotion. You know, risk it to get the biscuit.

1.29.2018

2:22 AM

i used to have insomnia. whelp i’m convinced i still have it because occasionally i’ll sleep forever and then be up for days. this is one of those days. i finished a paper, did laundry, put away laundry, made gluten free pancakes and brownies and omg i’m so awake. someone send help. pls.

i’m watching rick and morty now. this show is great. it’s such a time waster. it’s such guy humor and it’s so stupid yet smart and seriously just watch it. at least one episode. it’s just goofy.

what do y’all do when you can’t sleep? i’m productive. like hella productive. it’s my “me” time when i’m on day one or two of being awake. i also work at 5 AM so i’m probably just going to try and stay up until i go to work and try to sleep after. hopefully that will make me tired. my sleep schedule is a mess man. starbucks has me working so early in the morning, but i don’t sleep well, so i nap during the day occasionally, but hey, that’s the average life of a 22 year old right?

side note/pro tip:

if you don’t sleep well get incense. or an oil diffuser. or a candle. or a lava lamp. something that can be ignored but brightens your night a bit for when they are long and miserable. decorate your room. make your space cozy and unique and great for you. if i’m really awake, and i really can’t sleep, and it’s a long night, i love doing my makeup and cleaning and trying on outfits. that’s the girly girl in me. i’ll open the window and burn my lavender incense and turn on my twinkle lights and lava lamp and burn candles and it’s my own little paradise.

life has been rough for me. i don’t need to get into it, but having that refuge…i get it. it’s nice. i didn’t get that before and it ruined a relationship, a friendship of mine. i finally get it though. and i’m going to be okay. i’m not good at losing friends. i always fight for them to stay in my life, and rejection is hard, but it is just a fact of life we have to accept. i get it. these concepts- letting go, rejection- im working on it. it’s hard for me.

it’s actually my biggest fear in life- being hated by someone. i just want to make people happy, and i want people to be thankful for it. that’s it. so when i feel unwanted in anyway, i close up, and i feel awful on the inside and become almost submissive until i feel like i’m on their good side again. it’s a bad bad habit of mine. i need to not be as sensitive to other’s opinions. i don’t know why i’m like this or what started it, but it needs to stop.

it’s 3:08 now, i’m a little tired. i work at 5, i should probably take a quick nap. laters baby.

1.28.2018

2:29 PM

ADVENTURE 4: Angry Dog Bar, Deep Ellum, Dallas, Texas

I got world famous wings and cheese fries.

my stomach will never tolerate this. but it’s for the experience right? i even got a beer- and i hate beers. but man o man. this food is the bomb diggity.

this definitely isn’t a food blog by the way, i just happen to like adventures and adventures happen to include food sometimes.

anyways

our adventurous week comes to an end where it started- deep ellum. the rock n roll heart of dallas. this is my favorite area. i came up here to write a paper i have for school. i’m really good at writing rhetorical analysis papers because I’m a good persuasive writer, but I’ve had hardcore writer’s block lately, so we will see how this actually goes. i know i should be doing that right now, so i’ll try to write today’s post quickly.

I ran into a girl from my sorority while on my adventure today. I ran into her at the coffee shop from the fiasco the last time I was in Deep Ellum (remember? when I got here and was too hungry but had unpacked and then had to move to a different spot). I wasn’t good at the sorority thing. I was depressed, anti-social, self-conscious and addicted to pot. I had no desire to try and interact with those girls. That was so stupid of me. They are guaranteed friends and I turned them away just like that. She asked to hang out sometime when I was back up in the city, and you know what, I think I’m going to take her up on that offer. I need more girl friends, and they went to Alabama, and they are near me in Texas… like come on I’d be stupid not to try and be friends with this girl and the other girls in the city from my sorority.

In case you were wondering, I was a Delta Gamma at the University of Alabama. We had a beautiful southern mansion to live in, there was 130 girls roughly per pledge class, and everyone was GORGEOUS and PERFECT. With all my mental health problems, I just didn’t fit it, I didn’t try to fit in. Biggest regret of college. Honest. I should have been so much more active in my sorority. I just couldn’t find my place.

Do you ever wonder about your place in the world? I have been reading a book about the evolution of the human species, its really interesting, but mainly it has been making me think of the significance of my daily activities. Humans were originally a nomadic species, and they were perfectly nourished by the forests, but then the human imagination evolved quicker than the people and they spread out, became sedentary, became miserable. Humans have a instinctual travel bug, so who is to say we even have a “place” in this world? Is there a real “home” for us? I’ve never felt like Texas was my home, I haven’t been remorseful about moving out of my childhood home, yet every time I leave and go out into the world is when I’ve had the worst problems, so do we have a place in this world?  Or are we meant to wander?

I’d like to think we were meant to wander, meant to see the world we inhabit. I think part of life is experiencing the cultures and the foods and the colors and the smells and the animals and the architecture of the world. I think part of life is understanding all life, and all its inhabitants. Exploring is natural, humans have an innate curiousity- exercise it! One of the girls I went to Africa with is currently in India… I’m so jealous that if I had no boundaries, I’d probably rob her of her ticket and trade places with her. Another friend I went to Africa with is living in Spain and touring Europe in her spare time. That is fucking incredible. It is literally all I want in life- to explore. I love learning, and I learn best from experiencing.

I think that is my “place” in the world…adrift among the world’s treasures. So, if y’all know of any jobs that would allow me to do this, PLEASE TELL ME OKAY???

Do you think people know their place in the world? Statistics say that more that 50% of people think they are above average, so realistically, do you think people know how they stack up? And what is the judgement for deciding how they would stack up? I was talking to my sister about this the other day. Currency is made it. It is a figment of our imagination of balance the “debt” we owe. So we judge people on how much of this “debt solution” they have? Why don’t we judge based on accomplishment? Why do we even judge at all? If we were all trusting of each other, if we were all good, we could just share, trade, you know, be friend? Hippie talk right? That can’t happen. And you’re right, it can’t, because people made it that way.

That’s it. I promise. There’s no more conspiracy talk from me.

So that’s my day so far. TTYL peeps.

 

1.25.2018

12:23PM

Adventure 3: Bishop Arts District, Dallas, Texas

Today’s adventure is a little different. Every city has areas with their own quirks and personality, and today I’m in the Bishop Arts District of Dallas. This area (Oak Cliff) used to be very low-income, high crime rates, and just basically scary. I, as a 22 year old smallish female, wouldn’t have dared stepped foot in Oak Cliff even two years ago. It’s been gentrified though, and as much as I don’t agree with gentrification in areas with an already distinct mark on the city, making areas safer…Im all for that. Oak Cliff has changed quite a bit though since Bishop Arts became a big hipster scene. There’s coffee shops, little boutiques, print shops, and antique stores everywhere and it’s lovely. ANYWAYS the reason this adventure is different is I didn’t stay in a coffee shop here all day. I’m actually exploring.

Today we are starting in Veracruz Cafe.

Dude. If you’ve been to Dallas and you love Mexican food like I do, COME HERE. THE FOOD IS AMAZING. And they serve classic mexican food along with mayan, aztec, and tex-mex. It is literally my heaven. The decor is bold and tacky, the food is spicy, the wait line is virtually zero, and the wait staff is so nice. You’ve gotta check it out- and no I’m not getting paid to say this.

UNLESS YALL WANNA PAY ME TO EAT MEXICAN FOOD THEN ILL DO IT YEAH SIGN ME UP.

The prices are outrageously low too. for lunch I had 8 oz carne asada, à gordita, salad, beans and rice for $10. Chips and salsa were complimentary as well as water. Seriously y’all….if you’re ever around this area. Come here. It’s worth every penny.

After the yummy in my tummy mexican food, I’m walking down the street to a bookstore I found online while googling good homework places in Dallas. It’s called the Wild Detective Bookstore, and I’m super excited to check it out.

12:41 PM

OKAY YALL I MADE IT TO THE BOOKSTORE WOOOOOOO.

1.23.2018

1:38 PM

Today marks day two of adventure week. Yesterday I drove up to Deep Ellum, today I drove to Uptown. I’m exploring places in the city I grew up in- learning to appreciate what is around me.

Monday January 22, 2018 Adventure 1: BuzzBrews in Deep Ellum, Dallas, Texas

Tuesday January 23, 2018 Adventure 2: Sip&Stir in Uptown, Dallas, Texas

Life isn’t always fun or exciting, and even when it is, you have to put effort in to make it happen. I have been alive and breathing, but I haven’t been actively alive. I need to put effort into my life. I need things to happen- I can’t be on the sidelines of my own story anymore.

That is a big thing for me….being the star of my own life…being as empathetic as I am and having the mental illnesses I do kind of challenges that notion. It makes me think I need to please everyone. It makes me think I am not enough and everyone else deserves everything and I don’t. It is the mentality I have, and it sucks, but I’m working on it. Self love is extremely hard for me. I never thought I was worthy.

Are you reading the words I’m writing? Do you understand?

No one should ever feel the way I feel, and I’d be willing to feel this way for the rest of my long life if it means no one else does. The depression, the anxiety, the OCD, it all made me so sympathetic to other’s pain, and I never want anyone to hurt the way I hurt. I guess that is the curse of an empath- to hurt so other’s can be free.

So to help my chronic pain, I decided to try and make myself happy. I haven’t been happy with myself in so long I’m not really sure how to get back there, but the adventures are a way to help. I do love adventures. I love the fresh air, the memories, the photographs, the souvenirs, the stories…I love the life. That was something people didn’t understand about me. I’m suicidal. I’ll be the first to admit it. I have, on numerous occasions, concluded the best solution to a problem I was having was to end my life. I have to say, it sounds pretty damn peaceful most of the time, but I love life. I am fascinated by the colors, the light, the smells, the breeze…no matter how deep I fell into the rabbit hole, I will never be able to end my own life. Life is too beautiful to willingly depart from.

I really like cities for that reason- the amount of life in them. My adventures so far have been to the city; they’ve been to bars and coffee shops filled with people my age-

That’s crazy.

I never go anywhere with people just my age.

I miss people my age.

I miss people who understand what I’m struggling with because they too are struggling.

I miss people who all uniquely fit in with one another, and I miss fitting in as well.

Cities are great for life. There’s a vibrancy to them, like stars in space. They burn bright and fast when they are young, then are strong and steady for the adult stage of life, and then slowly wither away from a glimmer to a sparkle to nothing. People say they like the country because it is calm, but I really truly enjoy the fast paced life of the city currently.

When I finally get to fly the coup this year, I am trying to move to a city, a place where the world is always awake, a place where the lights twinkle and where dreams come true. I need a change of scenery- not that white suburbia Texas isn’t fun…. Hopefully, I’ll be making the big move to Atlanta soon (at least, that is the current plan). I’d be transferring Starbucks and starting an adult life living with my best friend and her puppy. Doesn’t that sound great? I think so. So yeah, that’s the goal I’m working towards right now.

Today was a rant, but it was good progress because I spoke my mind. Thank you for following me on this adventure. I promise eventually this will be filled with recipes and photographs and poetry and stories. Soon this website will be dope I swear.

 

 

1.20.2018

8:08 AM

So i finally set up a Facebook page and Instagram for this site. Check it out. If you want. No pressure.

Anyways…

I haven’t written in a good while. I haven’t had the inspiration, the drive I need to be able to write. I wanted to write today, so let’s see where this goes. I started school since we last spoke. I’m taking classes with Arizona State University online (Starbucks has a reimbursement plan which is super nice and wonderful of them to offer to their partners). ASU divides a semester’s worth of classes into two sessions, so even though I’m a full time student, I don’t take anymore than three classes at a time. It is pretty nice.

I also decided to have a collection of poetry posted on here. I love to write little stories and poems, and I want to share them with y’all! I’m trying to post pretty regularly- at least one poem and post a week. I’m really hoping this will help me love reading again. I’ve always loved getting lost in books, but when my depression is really bad, it is hard to concentrate on books, so I haven’t read a complete book in probably 18 months.

Depression does that. It sucks the joy out of everything. There’s no escape from it. It is just you. Depression is the illness I battle everyday. My diseased mind is tired, it wants to rest for a moment. I find no joy in anything I used to love. Everything is a chore. I just want to feel something other than empty, so I have to keep fighting, I have to keep the darkness at bay. I have to put on a smile when I want to cry. I have to fake it to make it.

I’m about to go to work, so I’ll talk to you later.

xoxo reggie

1.3.2018

10:02 AM

today called for a change in scenery. i ventured from our little bubble in the middle of the dfw metroplex to the city of dallas at ascension coffee. i have to admit, i’ve been a starbucks snob because they pay for education and give me great benefits and fair pay, but this place is more my speed.

also, new update on me…i have to go gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, stop eating pork and stop using canola oil. i have a thyroid condition called hashimoto’s, and it is supposed to help with my symptoms and overall health. and if you know me, i’m pretty darn picky, so this will be an adventure for me.

okay okay, so into what i want to talk about today. i want to actually blog today, to have a voice today. so, i’m going to text my best babe and she is going to give me a topic to go on a rambling tangent about- and i’m quite excited.

today’s topic is

drumroll please

COFFEE

okay. easy enough.

I don’t know a lot about coffee, but i know more than your average joe about a good cup of joe. but truth be told, i am actually not a huge fan of the buzz bean everyone loves. i’m a “coffee with my sugar” kind of gal. i have nothing against it, i just don’t like the taste. that’s all.

coffee is interesting though because it does actually possess a ton of health benefits. it can lower the chances of type 2 diabetes, parkinson’s disease, liver disease, heart disease, it helps with your metabolism, it has virtually zero calories if drunken black, it has antibodies, and the list goes on.

i wish i like coffee, i really do. i have an obsession with soda though- particularly coca-cola. i’m convinced they still conceal cocaine in there. i cannot go a day without it, its quite ridiculous, because i honestly don’t even like the taste 7 out of 10 times. some how though, that damn coke always makes it’s way into my hand.

that’s one industry that needs to take a step back, or a step towards changing their sales approach. i mean increased soda consumption has lead to childhood obesity, high blood sugar, it’s acidic properties destroy your stomach lining and teeth, and oh my gosh it is just the worst. and i can’t freaking get enough of it. that’s the worst feeling- consciously making the decision that you know was the wrong one.

WOAH

that got dark really fast, and you know what, i’m not in the mood to be in a dark place, so we are just gonna move on.

so yeah coffee.

espresso yourself and i love you a latte.

LOL COME ON GUYS LAUGH IT OFF WITH ME.

anyways, another thing i do really enjoy about most coffee shops is the bakery aspect of it. i love to bake. i rarely eat what i bake/ make it for me to eat, but i love baking cookies and cakes and brownies and anything and everything sweet. that is what i wanna do when i’m an old lady with lots of grandkids- just have a little bakery and tea shop.

baking has just always been something i did to de-stress and it always made my dad so happy to eat whatever i made him and i loved that. i truly love making people happy. that is what i want to do with my life, just make the world smile a little bigger. but um yeah that is why baking is so great, it is step-by-step and people love homemade gifts and food. if you ever get the chance to meet me, you know if someone besides my family and close friends reads this, ask me to bake you something and give me free-reign, you’ll be impressed i promise.

there we go. i just needed to ramble enough to figure out something to really rant on. i really want to talk about confidence today.

i have zero confidence in many aspects of life. i have never thought i was pretty, i never thought i was any one’s first choice, i thought i was second-rate in every way possible basically. there were two things about myself i was very confident in though- baking and the softness of my hair. weird right? but i do have crazy soft hair because i take OCD-level care of it. it always is soft, and it smells good, and its pretty, and i never blow-dry it or straighten it or damage it…my hair is the bomb. anyways though, i never had any confidence in myself no matter how much i was reassured.

then it occurred to me (occurred to me recently, like i didn’t realize this as a child), it occurred to me that no one is confident in everything they do. i didn’t see it as a child because i was so so self-conscious. i couldn’t believe that people just didn’t care what other’s thought of them. how? how could you not care? i didn’t understand because i always care. i wanted to be liked by everyone. i was never enough for everyone though, and i should have realized i was enough for me. that is what should have mattered.

confidence is a fickle thing. if you have too much you become cocky, self-absorbed. if you have too little you become invisible, a void. that is something i need to work on, knowing that i belong on this earth and knowing i’m fine just the way i am. i need to love myself before i can let others love me, and i’ve always just tried to have enough people love me that i wouldn’t notice that i didn’t love myself, but that isn’t how this works. it is going to be a learning process but it is something i have to do for myself. how can i expect to survive if i don’t like myself? that is just silly.

so i’ll start slow. i still have self-image issues to work on, but i think i’m like one of the nicest, most self-aware people out there. i try exceptionally hard to make everyone happy and i’m extremely empathetic, so i’ll keep trying until i know someone feels better. that’s a good quality of mine. i think i’m pretty funny too- apparently that is up for debate though…

no it’s not. i’m fucking hysterical.

i’m not perfect, but i don’t need to be. as long as i can live with me, as long as i accept the person i am, that should be enough.