2.6.2018

Do you ever listen to music while zoning out and get insanely touched by the songs?

That happens to me all the time, I’m not sure if it is normal or not, but music really affects me, down to the core, if I’m really listening to it. The lyrics will resonate with me, make me think of what could have been the context of this song, how it felt to sing those words, the rhythm, the brightness, the emotion… I feel all of it.

I wish real life had a sound track.

WAIT HOLD UP

NOT A MUSICAL

JUST A SOUNDTRACK

K COOL YALL

JUST CHECKING

I wish real life had a musical ubiquity. I wish my emotions could be portrayed through music, as much as they are through words and expressions. I think the words will mean more when they are reiterated in song.

So, if you couldn’t tell, I was listening to a song that really got me thinking about life, and I cried listening to it, thinking what could have been.

That is the curse of life isn’t it? Knowing what could have been, but never being sure enough to make the decision, never knowing if the gamble will pay off. Is that cowardliness? Should I take the risk more often? It is hard to make that choice and hope it pays off when you don’t have anything to fall back on, but I suppose that is why they call it a risk.

I took a risk when I switched my major from mechanical engineering to English literature, but I can’t think of another big risk…do I play it too safe? I’ve been living with diagnosed depression and anxiety since I was 16. I kept living for my parents, for my sisters, for my friends, for my family- I live for the hope that they are right, that it will get better; yet, I do nothing to improve my life. Well, I haven’t until recently.

The decisions I made weren’t for me, they were for my mom. The first decision I feel I made on my own was switching my major. I have always been an independent gal, but I’ve never lived for myself, I’ve never wanted anything for myself.

I want simple things. I want to be stress-free. I want to love someone and have them love me in return. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to enjoy what I’ve built for myself.

The problem is there’s no directions on how to get what you want in life. There’s no map, no key, no password, and no guarantee, yet people risk it every day. I used to think those people were crazy, why not just play it safe? But they are right, what kind of life is that? YOLO right?

So, take a chance. Kiss the girl. Buy the ticket. Tell him you love him. Ask for that promotion. You know, risk it to get the biscuit.

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