1.29.2018

2:22 AM

i used to have insomnia. whelp i’m convinced i still have it because occasionally i’ll sleep forever and then be up for days. this is one of those days. i finished a paper, did laundry, put away laundry, made gluten free pancakes and brownies and omg i’m so awake. someone send help. pls.

i’m watching rick and morty now. this show is great. it’s such a time waster. it’s such guy humor and it’s so stupid yet smart and seriously just watch it. at least one episode. it’s just goofy.

what do y’all do when you can’t sleep? i’m productive. like hella productive. it’s my “me” time when i’m on day one or two of being awake. i also work at 5 AM so i’m probably just going to try and stay up until i go to work and try to sleep after. hopefully that will make me tired. my sleep schedule is a mess man. starbucks has me working so early in the morning, but i don’t sleep well, so i nap during the day occasionally, but hey, that’s the average life of a 22 year old right?

side note/pro tip:

if you don’t sleep well get incense. or an oil diffuser. or a candle. or a lava lamp. something that can be ignored but brightens your night a bit for when they are long and miserable. decorate your room. make your space cozy and unique and great for you. if i’m really awake, and i really can’t sleep, and it’s a long night, i love doing my makeup and cleaning and trying on outfits. that’s the girly girl in me. i’ll open the window and burn my lavender incense and turn on my twinkle lights and lava lamp and burn candles and it’s my own little paradise.

life has been rough for me. i don’t need to get into it, but having that refuge…i get it. it’s nice. i didn’t get that before and it ruined a relationship, a friendship of mine. i finally get it though. and i’m going to be okay. i’m not good at losing friends. i always fight for them to stay in my life, and rejection is hard, but it is just a fact of life we have to accept. i get it. these concepts- letting go, rejection- im working on it. it’s hard for me.

it’s actually my biggest fear in life- being hated by someone. i just want to make people happy, and i want people to be thankful for it. that’s it. so when i feel unwanted in anyway, i close up, and i feel awful on the inside and become almost submissive until i feel like i’m on their good side again. it’s a bad bad habit of mine. i need to not be as sensitive to other’s opinions. i don’t know why i’m like this or what started it, but it needs to stop.

it’s 3:08 now, i’m a little tired. i work at 5, i should probably take a quick nap. laters baby.

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