1.23.2018

1:38 PM

Today marks day two of adventure week. Yesterday I drove up to Deep Ellum, today I drove to Uptown. I’m exploring places in the city I grew up in- learning to appreciate what is around me.

Monday January 22, 2018 Adventure 1: BuzzBrews in Deep Ellum, Dallas, Texas

Tuesday January 23, 2018 Adventure 2: Sip&Stir in Uptown, Dallas, Texas

Life isn’t always fun or exciting, and even when it is, you have to put effort in to make it happen. I have been alive and breathing, but I haven’t been actively alive. I need to put effort into my life. I need things to happen- I can’t be on the sidelines of my own story anymore.

That is a big thing for me….being the star of my own life…being as empathetic as I am and having the mental illnesses I do kind of challenges that notion. It makes me think I need to please everyone. It makes me think I am not enough and everyone else deserves everything and I don’t. It is the mentality I have, and it sucks, but I’m working on it. Self love is extremely hard for me. I never thought I was worthy.

Are you reading the words I’m writing? Do you understand?

No one should ever feel the way I feel, and I’d be willing to feel this way for the rest of my long life if it means no one else does. The depression, the anxiety, the OCD, it all made me so sympathetic to other’s pain, and I never want anyone to hurt the way I hurt. I guess that is the curse of an empath- to hurt so other’s can be free.

So to help my chronic pain, I decided to try and make myself happy. I haven’t been happy with myself in so long I’m not really sure how to get back there, but the adventures are a way to help. I do love adventures. I love the fresh air, the memories, the photographs, the souvenirs, the stories…I love the life. That was something people didn’t understand about me. I’m suicidal. I’ll be the first to admit it. I have, on numerous occasions, concluded the best solution to a problem I was having was to end my life. I have to say, it sounds pretty damn peaceful most of the time, but I love life. I am fascinated by the colors, the light, the smells, the breeze…no matter how deep I fell into the rabbit hole, I will never be able to end my own life. Life is too beautiful to willingly depart from.

I really like cities for that reason- the amount of life in them. My adventures so far have been to the city; they’ve been to bars and coffee shops filled with people my age-

That’s crazy.

I never go anywhere with people just my age.

I miss people my age.

I miss people who understand what I’m struggling with because they too are struggling.

I miss people who all uniquely fit in with one another, and I miss fitting in as well.

Cities are great for life. There’s a vibrancy to them, like stars in space. They burn bright and fast when they are young, then are strong and steady for the adult stage of life, and then slowly wither away from a glimmer to a sparkle to nothing. People say they like the country because it is calm, but I really truly enjoy the fast paced life of the city currently.

When I finally get to fly the coup this year, I am trying to move to a city, a place where the world is always awake, a place where the lights twinkle and where dreams come true. I need a change of scenery- not that white suburbia Texas isn’t fun…. Hopefully, I’ll be making the big move to Atlanta soon (at least, that is the current plan). I’d be transferring Starbucks and starting an adult life living with my best friend and her puppy. Doesn’t that sound great? I think so. So yeah, that’s the goal I’m working towards right now.

Today was a rant, but it was good progress because I spoke my mind. Thank you for following me on this adventure. I promise eventually this will be filled with recipes and photographs and poetry and stories. Soon this website will be dope I swear.

 

 

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